summer time
every summer since 2019, the thought of never having a summer vacation again crosses my mind. this is typically followed by a few days in a haze, trying to convince myself that i have time on the weekends and evenings to go out and do all the summer things. we all know though that even when i have a completely free day, i'm not able to get myself out the door. and so the cycle continues, annually missing that boundless free time and the ability to escape from real life for a bit.
i didn't expect that i would have a chance of having that summer break again, thanks to being managed out of my full time tech job <3 im stressed the fuck out because i don't know what to do about my career or what to do next. all i know is that i have 2 months severance pay, and honestly, i just want to let myself chill for a bit. i shouldnt have to rationalize that or feel guilty about it, my body and brain genuinely need a break. i don't need to figure out or fix everything right now. i can stay up till 2 am watching documentaries about malls, lay in my backyard with my dog and cat all day, and go to coffee shops to interview prep and work on projects or look like im doing something productive amongst strangers. i can intentionally have a summer knowing that it might actually be my last one for a while, maybe ever! summer doesn't need to be 104 days, it can be 2 weeks or however long feels right.
the idea of having a summer vacation again feels like a step towards reaching contentment, and its kinda cool i even want to think about trying to take a step again